Try again?

Am I completely retarded that I agreed to try things again?

We talked about what needed to change, and it seems he doesn't *only* want me for sexy times.
And although I'm not a miserable crybaby...well not as often as I was, I am completely weary. I'm still freaking out about what he's up to, why he doesn't text, if he is with one of the ugly german biatches...so yeah, not exactly back to normal.

It is nice that he is around again though...
I lost my lola on the weekend. This has not been a good year.

Confused?

So much can happen in a week.

This time last week I was upset about the germans again. But I had an awesome long weekend planned with my friends to the beach...and I forgot about him all over again.

But guess who decides to text me on the Friday night that he misses me and he's lonely etc. I brush it off and tell him I have nothing to say back...but am left thinking about him all weekend. Great.

Well being the soft touch, pushover that I am, I agree to meet him on the Monday. We go out and have milkshakes at the lake (yes, sounds romantic but at this point it was purely just friendly). Then we go to my friend's house to make dinner...which is weird cos we rarely did things like that when we were together for two years.

Anywho, after a few awkward moments and minor reminiscent flirting, I drop him back home. No sneaky hugs or accidental slip ups of the sexual kind.

But then I get home and the feelings of sadness come flooding back. And I'm bawling again! Grrrrrrrr!
Then we start chatting online...and we start to consider getting back together. I know. I am so retarded.

We did have another chat the next day...a more serious one about everything that was wrong with us and what we would need to do to fix it. Even discussed the who we've been with since the breakup stuff. Don't get me wrong...I'm not all butterflies and rainbows about the prospect of it. I still think he could turn back into a cunt again once he has me and gets bored. So I've agreed to hang out, publicly, to see what we have left. Not even any strings, if either of us want to call it quits I will be totally accepting of it.

The thing is, although he says he misses me and has wanted only me even though he has tried it with others, it's becoming quite clear that he is just a horny devil and that may be all he wants. So I'm not going to give that up to him, not this time. At least not until I know for sure.

And I'm off to a fun weekend in Wellington with my friends. I'm going to do whatever I want. And I totally kicked ass on my finance test today so that has added even more to my elation today.

:-(

Ok so I was doing so well.
Then I read something on his facebook, a really minor thing about one of the German girls maybe being his flatmate.

And for some reason I couldn't handle this! Of all things! How the hell do I ban myself from updating myself on him, I have no self control :-(

Back to sad again.

What the fuck!!!!

Getting there...

This week has been the happiest I have been since the breakup. This was even after finding out that the boy spent the night with someone else last weekend.

Ok, so I had my last emo moment on Sunday. I stupidly texted him that I missed him and so on. And then I decided to cut him out, stop talking to him, vented on paper and only allowed myself to have positive affirmations. And I was so relieved and started feeling really good the next day.

Then he decides to email me about how I am etc...wow it really is true that no contact works haha. Then he started chatting to me on facebook. I let him know that I was fine with both of us moving on and I accept it and can be happy now. He seemed even more bummed than me (maybe cos he realised I'm not wrapped around his little finger anymore, pathetically waiting for him). I told him not to give me his new phone number. Wow, go me! I mean, of course it is hard to know it is completely over with no chance of reconciliation. I had a two minute cry out of shock finding out about the other girl; but then, I started to see that it was necessary and inevitable. He was a bit of a horndog and it's not like he's obligated to me or owes me anything. And I probably would have done the same in a similar situation (but I think I'm being far more fussy!). It's also just as exciting and refreshing to think that the future yet to come is even better.

So occasional sadness, but no more bawling or moping anymore. He's still on my mind, so I'm only halfway there. I think I've even stopped hoping he'll be at all the events and things I'm meaning to go to.

And I can study and shop and all those fun/necessary things I found sooo difficult only days ago. I think part of the amazing feeling is that I honestly never thought I would get there, even at this very slight level. But at least it means a new direction. I think of our fun, romantic times and am happy that we had them, but now I'm no longer missing them or hoping we can do that stuff again.

So now I anticipate the day when he barely even crosses my mind.

Day One

It has been a very up and down couple of days. Sometimes, I feel good about what's happened and ready to move on, other times I crash and burn.

After caving *once again* and texting that boy while I was in the middle of a very emo, wailing moment, saying "i miss you so much :-(", I received no reply. Which devestated me some more.

I then realised I had to get myself out of this rut because we ain't going anywhere, anymore, ever again, ever. So I wrote down everything wrong with him, with us, and why I needed to get over this crap. It was truly cathartic and lasted several pages, and I'm sure I could have done even more.

Then I deleted his number from my phone, blocked him from my Facebook, and *gasp* quit online stalking him. I can't see what he's up to, what he's writing, when he's online and so on. I just want him out of sight, out of mind. And it's been suggested I need to do this for at least 3 weeks.

I have tried this previously...and I think the longest I lasted was 5 straight days before immediately replying to anything he sent. But now I really need to get serious because it has been over a month now, my school work and family/social life have suffered, and I am plain sick of being a miserable mess. I have also deleted that cry-inducing playlist of mine and only listen to the upbeat ones. They were a surefire way to promote wallowing in self-pity and uncontrollable bawling. 

So the combination of me not wanting contact and obviously neither does he, I think we can successfully avoid each other. We shouldn't even bump into each other in town or anything because he doesn't go to my friend's gigs or anything anymore.

I am only on day one...but have felt really good today. I can actually read my papers for my assignment (with the distraction of an occasional chat or Youtube video). And it helps that cute bartender was texting me...I would have totally gone there if he wanted to get to know me though, I'm not quite in the mood for random sleepovers. But the attention was certainly nice and I actually found myself forgetting about the whole crappy-boy scenario once in a while.

Let's see how long this lasts! And I'm talking to you, my anonymous one reader haha.

Seeing him

I truly thought I was starting to get the hang of things again. The past two days I've been kinda happy, or at least hopeful and positive that something better was waiting for me. This was even with the full knowledge of him potentially being with someone else already. We were even starting to text innocently.

Then I bump into him in town and see the girls with him and his friends. And although I already knew what they looked like, and even though they weren't physically doing anything right in front of me I could feel myself returning back to my miserable self. I was still able to have a fun time with all my friends, and I wasn't pouting or moody this time. I even texted him to come hang out at our friends after town and he said he wished I told him earlier as he was already on his way home. But I caved and made it awkward by saying 'nuhnite xo'. Didn't get any replies after that. As soon as I get home the floodgates begin again, I play a few songs and start bawling about what I was missing.

See I don't even think it's jealousy anymore, or maybe it is but I'm in denial. I didn't think the girls were crash hot or anything. It's just really sad that it is over, that I'm not the one doing those things with him. I try to ask myself what it is I really want back and I can't even answer it. But I think it's just the being able to do absolutely nothing together and be perfectly content.

Today was ok as my lovely friend offered to make us brunch and it was great. I need to just get out of the house or I will mope in bed. I'm thinking I'll start my watercolour painting today to keep my mind off it somehow. I am fully procrastinating an assignment due but I honestly can't concentrate on that right now.

I just really, really, really want to be over this by now :-(

Trying to be civil

So the beginning of yesterday was a bad day...1% from failing that dreaded finance test I couldn't study properly for, then bawling on the way home about how that ass screwed everything in my life over and I couldn't feel normal anymore. I was also aware that he was taking out some German girls that his loser friend introduced him to, to a movie on Friday and they're taking him to a party on Saturday, and one of them is really keen on him. That ripped my heart out some more. So I moped at home for a few hours.

Then I got back into those inspirational videos and articles that sometimes help to bring me out of hopelessness...and they worked. I'm still in the process of changing my state of mind, which is really super difficult. Basically I just have to try and accept that this thing is fully over. Sure I still want him, and maybe that will happen one day in the distant future. But at least for now it's up to me to try and make some changes. And I have to be okay with him trying to move on too. We were good together, but not the best. I just miss him.

I later went out with my friends for a drink, and was feeling good. Even better when a couple of guys hit on me. And the best friend of a guy mate of mind told me he loves me and I should give him a chance (haha I've been there already...but it is truly a case of 'friend zone'). That really is an ego boost when you're feeling ugly and worthless after so much putting yourself out there and then rejection. I did have a bit of a 'drunk dial' moment, actually more of a drunk text. Good 'ol facebook let me know he was sick...so I just asked if he was alright. And he replied right away and everything was okay I think. But that was the extent of it.

And that is where I am today. I woke up fine, not even thinking about him. Then when I did, I didn't feel like breaking down. And I was told I won a bunch of flowers so that will definitely cheer me up. One of my best mates is back in town too and I'll be so happy to catch up with her.

I still get that empty, missing him feeling but I can actually say I'm doing alright just for now. Although this post would have been in a completely different tone if I had had written it yesterday morning haha.