Break-Ups and Broken Hearts

So while trying to study for my finance test I find myself distracted with break up blogs and videos. God I'm getting so pathetic now. Whatever it takes to get through right?

No tears today...yet...it is only midday and haven't played any music however. I am trying my best to put the positive spin on this, the ''there's someone way better out there who will actually love and care for me" sort of thing. Problem is where to find that person, if he should exist haha.

In my happier days when I was my bubbly self, I would instead distract myself with make up videos and tutorials. Funnily enough, it lead me to an awesomely inspiring video about break ups instead by one of the make up artists:kandee the make-up artist: Break-Ups and Broken Hearts

Weirdest thing is even before we broke up, I did stumble upon this video and considered that all the emotional abuse and criticism he put me through while we together, combined with my jealousy and paranoia, was actually a recipe for a break up. This was just before Sydney.

Maybe it was slightly more mutual than I thought. I did used to think I couldn't marry someone that treated me this way, but I'm happy to chug along and have good times with him for now because that was way easier than being lonely. I think I was crushed  by the rejection and sudden change of character even though breaking up may have been inevitable. It is true that after breaking up you only think about those good times, the happy, awesome, god I'm in love sort of times. The cute way he would jiggle or envelop me with hugs. And the actual problems get dusted away for awhile, only to return when reconciliation is on the cards.

So I'm in a slightly more accepting mood right now. But that's just right now. Hopefully I won't return later to be sobbing at the keyboard again.

Fail

So after our last big fight and being told to leave him alone, I managed to do so successfully then completely caved after three days. I asked him if he forgave me yet for freaking out that he changed his mind about getting back together...I don't even think I was entirely wrong as I was just being a bit defensive but I handled it wrong all the same.

He said he had but now there is entirely no future even though he 'wants to be with me'. This sux so bad.

I guess I am feeling the slightest bit better today than I have over the last few days stewing about it. But still miserable and every song makes me cry reminding me of him

What's worse is that my masters programme has my schedule brimming with tests and assignments every week, and I can't even function enough to do them properly :( All my marks are slipping and even though I know I'm not doing the best, I don't have the motivation to try harder.

I want to do no contact but I obsess about what he does on facebook, where he goes, the girls his friends are setting him up with...god it is just complete torture.

I don't understand why I feel like this and he can seem to be so normal...like nothing even happened between us. Just plain coldness.

One Month Later

So it's been a month now. A month since he told me one night that it was over. That I wasn't worth the effort and our love wasn't enough for him. That the past 23 months was easy to let go of and not worth saving. I knew we had our problems. My jealousy and paranoia, his emotional abuse and criticism. But every other memory is of us being so happy and close. But I had no idea it was coming. Not even an inkling or suspicion as we had just been holidaying together; sightseeing, affectionate, intimate. Then he dumps me as soon as we get home from the airport. A few days before my birthday which we had only been planning together hours earlier. I wasn't even given a chance to say anything or discuss how we got to that final tipping point.

After two weeks of complete and utter turmoil, crying my eyes out and finding it impossible to find any motivation to do anything anymore, he decides to start talking to me. I see him and he tells me he wants me back. He absolutely ripped my heart out and I consider giving him another chance, but say I need to wait and think about it. I am still broken and fragile from how he ended it. He only waited two days before returning back to his previous opinion of us - that again this wasn't worth waiting for.

And if I wasn't stupid enough, the same thing happens another two weeks later. Where we are currently. But this time I stupidly agree and get my hopes up that he's back to the man I loved for nearly two years. We seem happy again. But the moment I speak up honestly after not hearing from him, asking if he has once again suddenly changed his mind about us as he did in the past, he gets angry and throws me away. All over again. And now won't speak to me at all.

Even while I'm writing this I can see how completely retarded and idiotic I am for letting this happen, and happen so repeatedly. Am I in love? Or in rejection? Just pathetic? And even after all this I am still missing him and hoping he'll forgive me for confronting him. I don't know what it is but I can't even function.

What the hell is wrong with me.