One Month Later

So it's been a month now. A month since he told me one night that it was over. That I wasn't worth the effort and our love wasn't enough for him. That the past 23 months was easy to let go of and not worth saving. I knew we had our problems. My jealousy and paranoia, his emotional abuse and criticism. But every other memory is of us being so happy and close. But I had no idea it was coming. Not even an inkling or suspicion as we had just been holidaying together; sightseeing, affectionate, intimate. Then he dumps me as soon as we get home from the airport. A few days before my birthday which we had only been planning together hours earlier. I wasn't even given a chance to say anything or discuss how we got to that final tipping point.

After two weeks of complete and utter turmoil, crying my eyes out and finding it impossible to find any motivation to do anything anymore, he decides to start talking to me. I see him and he tells me he wants me back. He absolutely ripped my heart out and I consider giving him another chance, but say I need to wait and think about it. I am still broken and fragile from how he ended it. He only waited two days before returning back to his previous opinion of us - that again this wasn't worth waiting for.

And if I wasn't stupid enough, the same thing happens another two weeks later. Where we are currently. But this time I stupidly agree and get my hopes up that he's back to the man I loved for nearly two years. We seem happy again. But the moment I speak up honestly after not hearing from him, asking if he has once again suddenly changed his mind about us as he did in the past, he gets angry and throws me away. All over again. And now won't speak to me at all.

Even while I'm writing this I can see how completely retarded and idiotic I am for letting this happen, and happen so repeatedly. Am I in love? Or in rejection? Just pathetic? And even after all this I am still missing him and hoping he'll forgive me for confronting him. I don't know what it is but I can't even function.

What the hell is wrong with me.