Seeing him

I truly thought I was starting to get the hang of things again. The past two days I've been kinda happy, or at least hopeful and positive that something better was waiting for me. This was even with the full knowledge of him potentially being with someone else already. We were even starting to text innocently.

Then I bump into him in town and see the girls with him and his friends. And although I already knew what they looked like, and even though they weren't physically doing anything right in front of me I could feel myself returning back to my miserable self. I was still able to have a fun time with all my friends, and I wasn't pouting or moody this time. I even texted him to come hang out at our friends after town and he said he wished I told him earlier as he was already on his way home. But I caved and made it awkward by saying 'nuhnite xo'. Didn't get any replies after that. As soon as I get home the floodgates begin again, I play a few songs and start bawling about what I was missing.

See I don't even think it's jealousy anymore, or maybe it is but I'm in denial. I didn't think the girls were crash hot or anything. It's just really sad that it is over, that I'm not the one doing those things with him. I try to ask myself what it is I really want back and I can't even answer it. But I think it's just the being able to do absolutely nothing together and be perfectly content.

Today was ok as my lovely friend offered to make us brunch and it was great. I need to just get out of the house or I will mope in bed. I'm thinking I'll start my watercolour painting today to keep my mind off it somehow. I am fully procrastinating an assignment due but I honestly can't concentrate on that right now.

I just really, really, really want to be over this by now :-(